"Some search for meaning in a career. They opt to be a human 'doing' instead of a human 'being.' Who they are is what they do; consequently they do a lot. They work many hours because if they don't work, they don't have an identity. For others, who they are is what they have. They find meaning in a new car, or a new house, or new clothes. These people are great for the economy and rough on the budget because they are always seeking meaning in what they own..." -Max Lucado
Without my awareness, who I was as a teacher became central to my identity. My impressive credentials, my status as a mentor teacher, my role as a lead tutor, and my feeling of responsibility towards the staff of various schools and tutoring centers as I trained them became central to my identity. Now, with all of that seemingly ripped away by the silly red tape of the CSDE, I feel a bit lost. I reel in shock that I must start all over again...my 'New Teacher Training' classes start on this coming Thursday. (NEW? New to California...). I'm retaking online classes in the evenings to get the California spin on the classes I took at Johns Hopkins School of Education in Maryland. I feel shaken to the core. Although I realize none of the red tape diminishes my talent, or my actual credentials and experience as a teacher, it is a harsh blow. I will be spending thousands of dollars and months of study and work after school hours to jump through all the hurdles the California government is putting in my path. As a person tempted to become a human 'doing' rather than a human 'being,' the California credentialing difficulties slow me down, planting the realization that my career is not me. My true identity comes from who I am in my Lord and Savior.
Leaving my spacious dream apartment in Norfolk, moving into my tiny broken apartment in Hollywood has been an ongoing disappointment for me. Another temptation I struggle with is finding my identity in what I have...I want to have a nice home to welcome friends...(I don't even have a dining room table or a microwave, so I feel for now hosting is out of the question). My apartment features are constantly breaking. My crooked unit is full of little annoyances that interrupt daily chores and startle me. For one example, hot water is labeled cold on the faucet, and cold is hot. If I am not careful, I hurt myself with steaming hot water when I am expecting refreshing cold. Moreover, sometimes I feel like a bad housekeeper, as the dry California climate is so dusty that even after I sweep and mop the apartment floors, they seem almost immediately covered in dirt again. Being a person tempted to find identity in where I live and in what I have, I certainly must learn to rise above my living situation and recognize my true identity as who I am in Christ Jesus.
God's revelation of my misconceptions about my identity and my life's meaning is a major breakthrough for me spiritually. However, realizing I have misconceptions is only the first step. Now that I have discovered the truth, it will only set me free if I apply what I have learned. I need to apply my new found freedom from making my career my identity and I must escape the imprisoning feelings that what I have or where I live represents who I am. In my everyday life, I will focus on doing my best every day because I love Jesus. I will balance my life more with less focus on maintaining and fixing my apartment and clinging to my belongings...I will cling to my times of Bible study and prayer as a priority rather than the endless cleaning that I feel I should be addressing.
This week, I will pray this prayer every day to remind me of my new direction:
Father, we confess that we keep other gods before us because we fail to remember that we have you. We steal in so many ways because we forget that you will always provide what we need. We covet worthless things because we don't see the treasure that you set before us every day. We bear false witness because we don't understand that the truth will set us free. When we think that your commandments are burdensome and confining, teach us, Lord, that they are perfect, and for our good.
Give us delight in following your commandments. Let us know that even when we waver, You are steadfast. Even when we fail, You paid the price to free us from the burden of our sin.
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Romans 8:18...
I consider that our present sufferings are not worth comparing with the glory that will be revealed in us. But if we hope for what we do not have, we wait for it patiently. In the same way the Spirit helps us in our weakness.
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